Sometimes I just need to get thoughts out. These are real and uncensored for you to get to know me and let you know that it’s not all sunshine and rainbows while I’m traveling (though there are some pretty neat things, of course!).
Recently I think I’ve been too comfortable in my routine of working part-time and doing whatever I want. There hasn’t been much growth nor movement in plans since I’ve started here. Sure, I’ve gone to a mountain to hike, walked around another city, and finished up the Seoul palaces, but the future is just a moment away and I’ll need to leave Korea eventually!
However, I do see that this is a mindset thing too. I’ve actually done a fair bit after seeing it listed above, but it’s a matter of comparison; I wanted to get so many more things done but, ironically, I don’t think I was being realistic. I wanted to get a whole book done of studying Korean – ambitious. I wanted to read 3 books to remove them from my backpack – ambitious.
I wanted to meditate regularly every day – why haven’t I? Because my days haven’t been structured and that’s because I haven’t taken the effort to structure them. If I really wanted this, I would have set regular sleep and wakeup times, a set time for meditation, and more. But regime is hard to stick by when I have no (strong) motivating factors behind them.
The motivation is what’s lacking. There’s no drive behind the things I want to do, so they don’t get done. And that leads me to my biggest problem that I’ve had this whole time:
I have no passion.
I am somewhat interested in a wide variety of subjects, but there aren’t 1, 2, or even 3 things that really inspire me.
This turns me into someone who stays up watching videos or reading stories online, not planning her trip, and -recently- not really wanting to.
Now this isn’t a matter of travel burnout, because I know what that’s like and it’s a strong *screeeech* of pulling all the breaks to even think about tomorrow’s travel plans. It’s a resistance that lessens when I think about staying in a single place for a little while.
But this is a matter of finding who I am and what I want to do. Sure, I’ve gotten some clues from the lessons I’ve learned so far, but those aren’t the same as finding that one (or few) thing(s) that will fulfill me.
Fulfillment and purpose are, to me, very modern concepts in the workplace. They are lauded as the ultimate characteristics in finding the best job for you. But for me, they have become somewhat of a hindrance.
Let me explain.
When someone says, “you like traveling – why don’t you do an online marketing job?” it sounds like the perfect fit. You can do it from anywhere in the world and any time that you choose. It absolutely piqued my interest, but when I really started looking into it, I felt that inner resistance that I’ve become very familiar with.
Recently I’ve been able to understand another cause of that resistance: ethics.
I realized my morals are what’s stopping me from following the obvious answers to my dilemma.
For online marketing, I see it as proliferating the use of social media and advertisements, where the former causes a lack of in-person social interaction (and less authenticity) and the latter has become just plain annoying (YouTube now has ads at the END of their videos too! C’mon.).
Another example is dropshipping (buying and selling goods online for no physical inventory). This would be perfect and has the potential to scale really well, but again, my brain tells me “you’re just promoting materialism!” and that is not something I can get behind.
This is the way I’ve been unconsciously thinking about a lot of possible career moves and it’s holding me back. I can’t seem to get around them, no matter how I try to spin it in my head: “maybe marketing can be a good thing if you really believe in the product!” (well, I haven’t found that yet) or “this is a super useful gadget!”. It just doesn’t get me excited. And if I’m not excited, I won’t last long in that role.
What I need to do is evaluate the morals I want to use in my career and find jobs that would support that. Thing is, there’s no inventory that categorizes jobs by what values you want to include.
On a related note, traveling was supposed to help me grow as a person, learn about other cultures, and get a better grasp of life. So far, it’s been difficult to stop and reflect since I’m covering so much over so little time.
A little while back, I realized that I’d been traveling too much and avoiding the real questions I’ve been trying to answer for years now and decided that I needed to switch my priorities back. Sure, traveling can be fun and exciting, but I am more important than seeing that palace/hiking that mountain/going on that date.
So while I’m here in Korea (and I realized it’s going to be almost 3 whole months!) I’m going to focus on myself as much as possible. And my small worry of not liking Mongolia when I do go is going to go away soon because even if there’s not much to do as a solo backpacker (I heard tours are more common), I can just use that time to work on myself even more. At least, that’s what I’ll tell myself if I find myself in that position.
I’ll be researching how to find my passion(s), how to find jobs that allow me to discover and explore my passion(s), examining my values and what could fit with them, and a lot more.
If anyone has any suggestions for me, things to consider, destination/experience recommendations, jobs that give lots of variety + location freedom + supports my morals, please let me know! I’ve been on this journey for a while and not much closer to an answer than when I began.
Until next time~